You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Media:	Paperback
Author:	Deborah Tannen
Publisher:	Harper Paperbacks
Release date:	24 July, 2001
List price:	~~$14.00~~
Our price:	$11.20 that is 20% off!

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Average rating: Stars

helpful and mostly objective

After about 50 pages into Deborah Tannen's book I found myself checking the copyright date to check the year it was published. I knew it was published in the early '90s (1990 to be exac), but it still reads like a cutting-edge piece of work. Tannen, who is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and also a published poet, playwright, and short-story writer, devotes 300 pages to breaking down one primary conversational difference between men and women: Men commonly use a "reporting" style of communication while women typically use a "rapport" method. Moreover, men are concerned with a societal hierarchy when speaking, conscious of whether they are one-up or one-down in a conversation and concerned about maintaining or assuming a communicational edge. Women, on the other hand, want to develop more of an egalitarian status with the person they're speaking with and are less concerned with being competitive. In fact, women will often downplay their accomplishments and accentuate their problems to achieve conversational intimacy and kinship. Men are hoping a conversation will result in increased self-status; women are hoping for a deeper connection and friendship.
Obviously, these differences can make for some difficulties in the sexes communicating, particularly in intimate male-female relationships. Tannen doesn't go so far as to offer any solutions (no one could do that), but she does develop these problems on a more thoughtful and helpful level than, say, Dr. Phil or John Gray. As Tannen presents numerous case studies, anecdotes, and literary references throughout the text, it ultimately seems clear that men are the ones responsible for many communication problems, mainly because they lack the necessary skills for more sophisticated conversation. When confronted with conflict in a relationship, men will often 1) shut down and choose not to communicate at all or 2) resort to problem-solving, trying for a quick fix rather than listening or sympathizing. To Tannen's credit, she never lays blame on anyone and even points out the many common of flaws of female communication techniques. Her main goal with the book is to make men and women aware of why they are having problems, which will hopefully lead to more tolerance and patience, if not necessarily change, which Tannen explains out may be too much to expect.
Though Tannen declines to make the connection, there is a clear relation between conversational styles and political philosophies. The ruggedly individual style of the men aligns with conservative politics, and the communitarian style of the women with a more liberal view. To me, constantly looking for a competitive edge in any conversation would be exhausting and even a little obnoxious. But evidently many men feel that is this is the nature of how society works - a constant "I must protect what's mine" mentality that is engrained in a survival-of-the-fittest theme. Life is a test, and if you fail then you are appropriately placed in a lower tier of the hierarchy, these men seem to think, which may help explain why some conservative thinkers think a certain level of poverty is also a natural aspect of a free society. Women, with their more compassionate outlook, are more concerned with a complete relationship, regardless of intimacy level, which one could argue is a more liberal and even socialististic view, which may help explain why there are probably more women liberals than men, and probably more women who are more inclined to perform charity work.
Perhaps one of the more interesting aspects of the book is the mention of how many American men are frustrated by speaking with other American men, but feel more comfortable conversing with European men. The men Tannen spoke with said that European men are less competitive during conversations, and they don't feel as if the European men are lecturing them. Perhaps this also has something to do with a generally more egalitarian way of thinking in many European countries.
Of course, the points Tannen makes don't give the right to generalize, and it's also quite possible you know many men with "female" conversational style and vice-versa. Tannen makes this clear several times. Nevertheless, there is a great deal to be learned here and would probably alleviate a lot of frustration in many personal relationships if Tannen's conclusions are used for future reference.

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation - Deborah Tannen

A Must Read to Better Understand the Opposite Sex

I thoroughly enjoyed Tannen's book. Even though I am only a teenager I felt myself relating to many of the examples offered in her book. I often find myself wondering why women are always viewed as talking more, when men are always the loudest and most talkative in public places. Tannen gave details that women are viewed as more talkative because they are seen talking at home in private places, where most men aren't seen speaking. I know my best male friends are always joking and talking a lot to get and keep attention, something Tannen used as an example in her book. Tannen also said women often view their best friends as the people they tell all the details of their lives too. As a woman, I completely agree because I tell my best friends all of the happenings of my life. She also wrote men tend to say their best friends are the people they hang out with the most. Tannen believes that the bridge in communication between men and women can be helped although not completely solved. She suggests men and women need to understand the communication differences to better understand the opposite sex to make the relationship better. I was really interested to learn some of the many insights Tannen had because it gave me a better understand of why men say some of the things they do. After reading this book, it is very easy to understand why men and women have communication problems. I highly recommend this book for anyone who is looking to understand the opposite sex better, especially if you are in a relationship.

Deborah Tannen - You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Virtually the only coherent book on this topic

Look, gender-based communication style doesn't explain EVERY behavioral difference between a man and a woman, and certainly Tannen has biases as an author, but taken for what it is, it's exceptional.

There are enough "what he said, what she heard" jokes going around on the internet that it's obvious that most people pick up on a difference in communication that's gender-based. What Tannen has done is tied this back into a cultural worldview, the culture of men and the culture of women, and talks about how these are and how these interact.

Since she wrote this, she's directly applied the concepts to the business world in a different book. She also did a parenting book. Personally, I like this one the best.

It's a quick read and it's very interesting. The examples are great and, unless you never deal with adults or children of the opposite gender on a 1:1 basis, you really should give it a peek.

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